Sometimes we live through different experiences and my one character of my first novel has this is a retrospective letter that she would write to her high school boyfriend that broke her heart after she broke up with him.
Dear Ex,
I know when we broke up things were tense!! So VERY tense, you were mad and I was heartbroken ( I just didn't know it yet). But a lot of time has past, I have come to some realizations and I wanted to share them with you.
When we broke up (read I broke up with you) I was heartbroken and didn't know it at the moment. You were so angry, asking me how I could be doing this to you. You told me it wasn't fair, that you'd even bought me a ring. Which the whole ring, in hindsight, seems extreme we were in high school just to be fair. I was tempted to change my mind, you must have been serious to buy to ring, but something told me not to. I stuck to my conviction, I just knew deep down that something wasn't right with our relationship. I was so sad, SO SAD!! I loved you and I didn't know what was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it, I just knew something was wrong.
You left for your summer holidays and I stayed in town...part of me thought I'd done you a great favour your weren't forced to stay loyal to me over the summer you could get a summer girlfriend. Meet a girl on the beach, flirt away with twenty of them, it was like getting a hall pass. GO have your fun, I'll have fun here while you're gone but we will never speak about our adventures. I didn't understand at the time that you just wanted me, because I just NEEDED out.
I had two weeks of my summer where I hung out with our friends, your guy friends, who were not happy with me, but they were dating my friends so I was someone they had to accept. I wasn't happy though, something was missing. My 16 year old heart was yearning for someone and surprise surprise I wasn't finding that someone in any summer fling. I thought I'd found one, but the distance was too much and he was starting to get into things I wanted nothing to do with.
So I stayed in town and I knew I'd made a mistake. Everything I did made me think of you, everything. I wanted to call you, to write you, to send you a message, but I never did, because I knew you'd be back home soon. I could only hope that you would be willing to listen to me, to hear my apology, I'd no reason other than a gut feeling to break up with you. There was no proof, no evidence just speculation and suspicion. Then I had a conversation with a Little Birdie.
I had told said Bird that I was considering asking you to go out with me again when you returned home. I missed you so MUCH! I felt I made a terrible mistake, I wanted my best friend back, the person I could count on to make me smile, the person who knew about all my insecurities and loved me anyways. The little Bird then confirmed my suspicions, you'd been unfaithful, you'd stepped out on me and you'd done so with the Little Bird more than one time. For many times over the last couple of months. Times when I knew you were together, but you swore you were just friends. I didn't believe her at first, I thought this was some ploy, then two more people confirmed it.
Devastation befell me, my broken heart broke again, shattering into thousands of pieces. I cried and I got angry, and then I got even. I found a summer boyfriend, he was older, much more mature than you and I was going to live my life without you. SCREW YOU!! I screamed in my head and maybe out loud a time or two. I maybe should have been suspicious about the timing of the revelations, Bird just didn't want us back together because she wanted you. But I guess she screwed us both and herself over because you never took her as a girlfriend (thank you).
What a tumultuous time that was!! There were accusations, and lies and parents getting involved and then silence. And then we didn't talk, we'd pass each other in the hallways and not a word was spoken. The frigidness between us could have solved Global warming and brought in a new Ice Age. It eventually subsided, we each found happiness else where.
Then we each experienced heart breaks of our own. Who knew Karma could be such a BITCH!! And that girl cheating on you, (even though part of me was glad you were on the receiving end) made me so mad for you!! You were, are a great guy! It was fun reconnecting, and there was no pressure, It was easy falling back into a friendship with you.
I know you saw me do things, and I never chose you. I couldn't choose you for a lot of it you were with that girl, then you weren't but I was with that boy. It was serious, we'd been together for ever, but he was so bad for me, bad, bad, bad and he only got worse, but I don't know I guess my self esteem was non existent. I felt I deserved the treatment he gave me, because all my boyfriends before me had cheated, so maybe that's what I was supposed to end up with. What a horrible fate I must have earned and yet I had no idea why I'd earned it. I started making bad decisions, partying every night, random hook ups, you saw it all. You know more than I am sure you ever let on. Maybe that period of our story is why our story is this way, why we never tried to co-write another chapter together, who knows what might have been.
Then we had some more encounters over the years, but you were with someone or I was or we were both single but never ventured past friendship again. You were my friend again and I was so HAPPY, and maybe just having you back as a friend was enough and not something I was willing to gamble with, I'm just not 100% sure.
I know I thought about it, I wondered what it would be like to give you a second chance. I wondered what it would be like to kiss you again, to feel your fingers entwined with mine as we strolled through a hallway. I wondered what we would fight about, or if we would fight at all. How it would feel to have you pick me up at the door to go on a first date again?
I loved you and I still think very fondly of you! I think you are an amazing person, one of my fondest memories from high school regardless of how it ended in high school.
Girls are such romantics, and I always wonder if boys think the same way? Did you think about dating me again? How did you see our break up? Do I ever cross your mind? We stayed in touch but it's not like we ever talk like this, it's not like we ever could. Missed opportunities, or maybe a missed disaster?
At the end of the day it warms my heart to see how happy you are with your family!! I would never want anything to come between you and your true happiness. I've found mine, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but that doesn't mean I can't wonder. I don't write this make things complicated, I write this to explain, to put to words some strange feelings I am having. I write this to put to rest those strange feelings, but to open a door should you ever want to chat about old times to clear up the picture. I'm glad you are happy! I'm glad you are getting what you want out of life! I hope in time our stories intersect again and our significant others can meet and we can be that weird group of couples that hang out and nothing is actually weird about it!!
Love
your high school ex girlfriend
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